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Post by quadbod on May 9, 2010 23:54:57 GMT
'Knock knock ......'
'Who's there ? ......'
'David'
'David Who ? ......'
'Gordon.......... open the bl**dy door and get out of my house.'
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Post by quadbod on May 9, 2010 23:57:22 GMT
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
They've not been paid for and they can't afford them.
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Post by mal on May 10, 2010 7:29:22 GMT
Ah it seems it wasn't Greeks bearing gifts, rather Greeks delivering something that we are all going to end up paying for. A 500 billion quid handout to th Greekss. When are we gona get one?
Very Good though QB
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2010 8:19:09 GMT
I was told off last week for using that now old fashioned expression Gordon Bennett..................
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Post by quadbod on May 17, 2010 21:21:32 GMT
Walked past a restaurant last night and on the window it said - 'Order anything you want, if we don't have it, we'll pay you £500'.
Went in and ordered 'Giraffes kneecaps on toast'.
A short while later, the waiter returned with a cheque for £500 in my name and said "It's your lucky day, we're out of bread"
..................................................
Actually I feel a bit tired tonight....I'm absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class.
I've never run so far in all my life.
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Post by quadbod on May 18, 2010 16:41:36 GMT
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff,' but before she could say 'F__ k!' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room...........
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Post by stockslave on May 18, 2010 17:24:18 GMT
;D
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Post by stockslave on May 18, 2010 19:59:47 GMT
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2010 21:52:02 GMT
You'd never Adam and Eve it
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Post by quadbod on Jun 28, 2010 21:36:36 GMT
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
'Cos FIFA said it didn't.
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Post by mal on Jul 1, 2010 16:59:54 GMT
Did anyone hear about the Dyslexic bloke that went to a toga party dressed as a goat?
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Post by stockslave on Jul 1, 2010 17:07:51 GMT
;D ;D
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2010 20:51:18 GMT
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ RAISIN: Grape with sunburn. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. >----------------------------------------------------------------
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today. >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. >----------------------------------------------------------------- Last but not least: ========================= WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
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Post by quadbod on Jul 2, 2010 21:22:12 GMT
So I heard one of the forum members has been at the hospital for a new arrival....
Ten pounds....... Ten pounds! Can you believe it? TEN POUNDS!
B****y NHS car parks.
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Post by mal on Jul 3, 2010 6:43:14 GMT
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be £5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C, very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java and Perl. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the moderator."
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