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Post by quadbod on Dec 11, 2016 8:36:45 GMT
When I walked in the house I was greeted by the wife holding a can of beer and smiling at me.
Nervously I asked 'What's this for?'
'Well my sister saw you chatting to the new barmaid at the local so she moved behind you to hear what you were saying'
Gulp.... 'Oh really? and what did she hear?'
'The barmaid asked what your wife was like and you said I looked like Sue Barker! Now sit down, I've made your favourite for dinner and afterwards.... well, just wait & see what happens'
I cracked open my beer and thought it was a good job the pub was noisy.
I didn't say Sue, I said Chew.
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Post by quadbod on Feb 5, 2017 15:50:17 GMT
Two dyslexic skiers at the top of a mountain & one says 'I'm going to zag zig down the hill'
The other one says 'Actually..... I'm sure it's zig zag - perhaps when we get to the bottom we had better ask someone'
So off they go one zig zaggin and the other zag ziggin.
When they get to the bottom they come across a guy pulling a sledge and shout across to him 'Excuse me mate.... Is it zig zag or zag zig?'
The guy replies 'Sorry lads.... I have no idea.... I'm a tobogganist'
'Ok, no worries but.... while I'm here can I have 20 Bensons please?'
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Post by quadbod on Feb 12, 2017 19:54:07 GMT
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, well I'm lonely and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain and glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great" says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow."So what's the catch, Lord?" "Well... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...You know, woman to woman."
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Post by quadbod on Feb 20, 2017 15:28:58 GMT
Jacob, age 92, and Ethel, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers 'Yes'
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?' Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?' Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ' Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?' Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?' Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?' Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?' Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
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Post by quadbod on Apr 14, 2017 5:53:15 GMT
I have been pondering posting a joke about United Airlines..............
But don't want it forcibly removed.
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Post by quadbod on May 4, 2017 10:24:03 GMT
Dolly Parton and the Queen end up at the Pearly Gates on the same day. They are both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The Angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.' The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen merely walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, 'OK, Your Majesty, you may enter Heaven' Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about..? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she was admitted to Heaven..! Would you explain that to me..?'
'Sorry, Dolly' said the Angel, 'but even here in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'
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Post by quadbod on May 11, 2017 9:44:27 GMT
I just got asked the time by an Argos delivery driver.
So I told him it was between 8am and 1pm!
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Post by Joyce on May 30, 2017 8:46:41 GMT
I don't know where you find them
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Post by quadbod on Jul 11, 2017 22:53:17 GMT
Paddy & Mick are on holiday in South Africa.
They are sitting by the riverbank when they see a huge crocodile swim past with a blokes head in its mouth......
'Jaysus Paddy.... Did ya see dat fella dere?'
'I did Mick I did..... And the flash bugger has got a Lacoste sleeping bag'
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Post by 4wd on Jul 16, 2017 21:06:25 GMT
A wife walked into the kitchen to find the husband swatting flies. “Did you kill any?” she asked. “Yes, five”, said the husband, “Three males and two females” “How could you tell?”, the wife enquired. “Well”, the husband replied, “there were three on the beer can and two on the phone”
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Post by quadbod on Jul 17, 2017 8:41:23 GMT
A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.......' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a farmers daughter near Liverpool and we had stock both sides of the Mersey'...... *There is a more common version of this 'joke' - but this had been edited to make it more 'agricultural'
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Post by quadbod on Aug 10, 2017 17:27:06 GMT
I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize." "That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight. "Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question." "Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied. "Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?" "7" I replied.
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Post by 4wd on Aug 10, 2017 21:39:27 GMT
I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize." "That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight. "Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question." "Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied. "Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?" "7" I replied. This must be an actual event not a joke?
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Post by quadbod on Aug 25, 2017 5:13:27 GMT
A guy goes into a Scottish baker's. "How much is that cake?" "A poond." "And how much is that one?" "A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!" "Oh, OK. What about that one?" "Ach, that one's two poonds." "Oh. Why's that then?"
"That's Madeira cake."..
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Post by quadbod on Sept 14, 2017 11:11:28 GMT
Jeremy Corbyn called John McDonnell into his office one day and said, "John, I have a great idea! We’re going to go all out to win back Middle England.”
“Good idea Jeremy, how will we go about it?” said McDonnell.
“Well,” said Corbyn “we’ll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper Hunter wellies, a stick and a flat cap –, oh, and a Labrador. Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other and we’ll show we really enjoy the countryside and Middle England.”
“Right Comrade,” said McDonnell.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off. Eventually they arrived in a quiet little village and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
“Good evening, Landlord. Two pints of your best ale, from the wood please,” said Corbyn.
“Good evening, Jeremy,” said the landlord. “Two pints of best it is, coming up.”
Corbyn & McDonnell stood leaning on the bar contemplating taking over the country, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet.
Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure to the bewilderment of Corbyn and McDonnell. People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, McDonnell called the landlord over......
“Tell me,” said McDonnell, “Why did all those people come in and look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old country custom?”
“Good Lord no,” said the landlord. “It’s just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two a***holes.”
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