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Post by quadbod on Feb 24, 2016 13:14:38 GMT
The guy is very ill. The doctor checks him over and says “I'm Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24, because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.”
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the bad news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £50. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £350. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that as well - winning £1,000,000!
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, “Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!”
“Lucky?” the bloke screams, “Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.”
“Well, bugger me!” says the bingo caller, “You've won the raffle as well!”
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Post by quadbod on Feb 25, 2016 19:53:29 GMT
Computer 'Enter New Password' So I typed in 'Beef-Stew'
Computer replies 'Sorry, not stroganoff'
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Post by Joyce on Feb 26, 2016 9:21:27 GMT
groan!
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Post by quadbod on Feb 26, 2016 10:30:44 GMT
I lost my job delivering pasta after a fusilli mistakes.... Don't worry Joyce, I thought I would quote you to save you the trouble.....
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Post by Joyce on Feb 27, 2016 10:00:07 GMT
I pass these on to a friend with similar humour
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Post by quadbod on Mar 17, 2016 19:44:02 GMT
I've been offered the job of a lifetime, I'm going to be assisting a one armed typist when she requires capital letters.......
It's shift work.........
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Post by quadbod on Apr 1, 2016 10:24:15 GMT
Some classic one liners from Ronnie Corbett.....
George Trimble, Blackpool’s longest-serving deckchair attendant, was better tonight after collapsing at work. It took five people 40 minutes to work out how to get him up again.
West Mersea police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers — but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.
Heard the one about the car designer who crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo? He came up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame!
My great-grandfather was killed at Custer’s Last Stand — he didn’t take part in any fighting, he was camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise.
For some time, my wife’s had this ridiculous idea that I’m playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: ‘Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!’ And I’ll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don’t expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night
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Post by quadbod on Apr 8, 2016 16:24:29 GMT
A Chinese man faked his own death, but his family were suspicious, they didn't bereave him.
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Post by quadbod on Apr 29, 2016 9:39:05 GMT
I took the shell off my racing snail to see if it would make it faster.... But it just made it more sluggish....
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Post by Joyce on Apr 29, 2016 10:10:19 GMT
Oh dear
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Post by quadbod on May 19, 2016 8:50:49 GMT
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called woman. God said, "This person will cook for you, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
The rest is history...
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Post by quadbod on May 24, 2016 17:01:59 GMT
A lot of women turn into good drivers... So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning...
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Post by quadbod on Jun 9, 2016 10:19:51 GMT
A Scouser goes for a job at sea. The Captain asks 'Have you any experience away at sea?'
'No' the lad replies, 'but I'm honest!'
The Captain decides to take him on and off they sail. After three weeks at sea the lad is busy swabbing the decks when a big wave crashes over and sweeps the Scouser overboard.
The first mate runs to the Captain, 'Captain, Captain, you know the Scouse lad we took on? The one who said he was honest? Well he just buggered off with your mop!!....'
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Post by quadbod on Jun 13, 2016 20:06:30 GMT
My mate and his rather flat chested wife were having marital problems so they went to marriage guidance. They sat down and the counsellor said 'So what seems to be the problem ' And my mate said 'Well Dolly Parton over here seems to think I'm too sarcastic....'
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Post by Joyce on Jul 3, 2016 19:36:55 GMT
Careful!
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