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Post by quadbod on Jul 8, 2016 13:42:31 GMT
I've just deleted all the German contacts off my phone.
It's Hans free now......
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Post by quadbod on Jul 8, 2016 13:43:37 GMT
Disclaimer: I pinched this from elsewhere......
The women's trophy at Wimbledon is essentially just a plate just to remind them of what they should be doing instead of playing tennis.
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Post by quadbod on Jul 12, 2016 6:29:08 GMT
At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable. "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.." "Correct." A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and ex clusive'' calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father.."
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Post by Joyce on Aug 16, 2016 20:06:55 GMT
Helpful notice outside shop today:
"If you want some serious advice and the correct time phone a random number at around 3am"
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Post by quadbod on Aug 16, 2016 21:57:09 GMT
I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.......
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Post by quadbod on Sept 2, 2016 15:44:25 GMT
WARNING....
A lorry load of electrical goods has overturned on the A580 in Liverpool spilling its load across all 3 lanes.
The police expect the road to reopen in about 4 minutes.
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Post by quadbod on Oct 9, 2016 11:15:44 GMT
I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of blokes saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!
What a pair of ignorant idiots....... I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse it!
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Post by quadbod on Oct 10, 2016 8:49:33 GMT
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop. She loved the job but was very shy about having to sell condoms to customers.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms . 'Look' he said 'My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned'.
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said '350 please'
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
'Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs' her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs. ' Yes!!' she shouted down the phone 'he's got one hanging there!!'
The boss replied 'Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 .....he's the window cleaner'
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Post by Joyce on Nov 1, 2016 17:03:36 GMT
Notice on local board
Acoustic = prod for Scottish cow.
Fondue = friendly sheep
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Post by quadbod on Nov 4, 2016 18:44:34 GMT
At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.
I almost choked on my #Brown.
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Post by quadbod on Nov 4, 2016 20:48:45 GMT
I know it's a bit late..... but I finally got it finished
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Post by Joyce on Nov 10, 2016 16:25:23 GMT
All the more to eat
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Post by quadbod on Nov 12, 2016 11:46:28 GMT
A little lad comes home from school. 'Did you do anything interesting today?' asks Mum.
'Yeah, we started to learn to write!'
'What did you learn to write then?'
'I dunno...... We don't start to learn to read till next week.....'
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Post by quadbod on Nov 13, 2016 7:28:03 GMT
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Post by quadbod on Dec 4, 2016 9:02:35 GMT
I phoned my wife earlier....
'I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish n chips on my way home?'
It was met with a stony silence.
I reckon she still regrets letting me name the twins.
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