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Post by quadbod on Mar 21, 2018 13:22:41 GMT
A weasel goes into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says 'Wow!! In all my years doing this job, I've never seen a weasel come in here before..... What can I get you?'
'Pop' goes the Weasel.....
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Post by Joyce on Mar 21, 2018 21:24:42 GMT
4.16 pm Feb 20th ?refer to 500?
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Post by quadbod on Mar 22, 2018 17:28:25 GMT
Did you hear about the dwarf who was ill in hospital?
The doctors advised him to take up gambling, and now he's a little better.
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Post by quadbod on Mar 28, 2018 9:55:33 GMT
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Post by quadbod on Mar 31, 2018 19:26:23 GMT
They'd been hunting for the Russian spy for years and eventually cornered him up in the hills.
"We are arresting you for being a spy" said the agent.
"But I'm not a spy. I'm a shepherd" said the astonished Russian.
"OK then. I'm arresting you for being a shepherd spy" said the agent.
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Post by quadbod on Apr 3, 2018 11:46:02 GMT
A little girl asked her father 'Daddy..... How did the human race start?'
The father answered 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.'
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered 'Many, many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mummy said they developed from monkeys?'
The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple....... I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.'
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Post by quadbod on May 18, 2018 16:39:50 GMT
I was just going through my emails to have a clear out and found this message that I sent to BBC Look East. I never did get a response.....
Hi,
Please could you tell your presenters that the pronunciation is 'Harleston' with a T not Harsleden.
I am always correcting my wife, a Londoner, for this.
It is important because when my wife says that she is 'popping into Harlseden' I want to be sure that she is taking the four mile trip into our nearest town and not embarking on a 236 mile round trip into London.
Best regards
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Post by 4wd on Dec 11, 2018 21:35:39 GMT
"What's the difference between a camera and a sock?"
One takes four-toes, the other takes five.
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Post by quadbod on Dec 27, 2018 16:20:27 GMT
Due to open soon!!
Christian restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do takeaway.....
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Post by quadbod on Jul 15, 2019 13:16:40 GMT
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. Ten minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Liverpool!!!”
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Post by Joyce on Jul 16, 2019 21:57:56 GMT
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. Ten minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?" I said, "Because we're still in Liverpool!!!” Many years ago I had to go to Liverpool for my Vet Nurse practical exam. Just as well that friend’s parents took us because you wouldn’t have left a car unattended even then.
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Post by 4wd on Dec 21, 2019 9:54:41 GMT
I picked up a hitch hiker the other day and he asked if I was worried that he might be a serial killer. I said chances of 2 of us in the same car are very slim ...
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Post by quadbod on Jan 30, 2020 7:23:25 GMT
I’m writing a new musical about a builder that rips everyone off.
It’s called the roofer on the fiddle
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Post by 4wd on Feb 29, 2020 13:51:41 GMT
Computer woes?
Dear Technical Support, 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off? To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Any advice would be helpful, many thanks
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Post by 4wd on Mar 25, 2020 22:20:21 GMT
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