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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2010 15:47:49 GMT
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER...
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back in through the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' he said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
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Post by oxenboy on Sept 14, 2010 20:43:40 GMT
;D ;D ;D
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2010 9:05:30 GMT
THE FINAL EXAM............You teachers are going to love this one
At Penn State University were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tire? _________
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2010 22:59:28 GMT
Might already have this on here somewhere Attachments:
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Post by quadbod on Sept 18, 2010 20:23:20 GMT
Nicked from Facebook........... The pope collapses during his UK tour and is taken to hospital. As the nurse takes him through the hospital he wakes up and asks "Am i in heaven?" "No" replies the nurse, "we're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2010 13:12:27 GMT
The correct way to weigh yourself: I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years. Attachments:
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Post by quadbod on Sept 21, 2010 13:46:22 GMT
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Bentley?s and Jaguars in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies...........
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2010 17:06:39 GMT
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!”
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***in' widow."
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Post by quadbod on Sept 24, 2010 23:14:05 GMT
A man walks in to W H Smiths and asks, "Have you got that new self help book for men with a small pen1s?"
The assistant replies "It isn't in yet"
The man replies "Don't you f***in start!"
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Post by oxenboy on Sept 26, 2010 18:14:40 GMT
;D ;D ;D
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Post by quadbod on Sept 28, 2010 13:11:23 GMT
WARNING Don't phone Vet at night !!
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbour’s dog while they went on their holidays. The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was 'in heat' and the neighbour’s dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.
That night as she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep, the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sound from downstairs.
She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together - mating.
The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.
Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the Vet, and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the Vet answered the phone.
The spinster explained the problem.
The Vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch."
"Oh," said the spinster ... "Do you think that will work?"
"Well," the Vet replied..................
"IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!!!"
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Post by quadbod on Sept 29, 2010 9:40:34 GMT
I was just in the office, opened a drawer and a document flew right out of the window.
I'm not worried though, I think it was a draft.
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Post by quadbod on Sept 30, 2010 18:51:40 GMT
Q: Why has a woman never walked on the moon?
A: Because it's never needed cleaning
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Post by quadbod on Sept 30, 2010 18:53:17 GMT
I've developed a foolproof technique any of you can use to sculpt a model of an elephant.
1. Get a huge block of marble.
2. Chip away anything that doesn't look like an elephant.
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Post by quadbod on Sept 30, 2010 18:55:06 GMT
I was online and saw a horse that I rather liked.
So I clicked 'Add to cart'
;D It's alright........... I have my coat on already and the taxi is outside with the engine running....
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