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Post by quadbod on Mar 23, 2015 20:16:54 GMT
The Higgs boson walks into a church and the priest says 'We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here'
And the Higgs Boson replied 'But without me how can you have mass?'
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Post by quadbod on Mar 24, 2015 20:19:07 GMT
Nine out of ten farmers said that nine out of ten farmers got on their nerves.
The other one moaned about being asked.
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Post by Joyce on Mar 26, 2015 12:40:12 GMT
Spotted on Faceache
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Post by quadbod on Mar 28, 2015 8:21:27 GMT
Paddy goes into a large department store and asks the assistant, 'Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?'
The assistant looks at him and says 'Are you taking the mickey, mate? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks but what the hell is a potato clock?'
'I don't know' Paddy replied 'But I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.''
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Post by Joyce on Apr 24, 2015 10:49:42 GMT
One day a man goes into a pharmacy reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid into the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says the man. "No, not at all," says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief," says the man. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
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Post by Joyce on Apr 24, 2015 18:22:16 GMT
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Post by quadbod on Jun 10, 2015 12:18:28 GMT
It was a small town and the policeman was doing his evening rounds.....
As he was checking a used car site, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car and if they were trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away?'
'Well... We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd most likely get screwed ......so we're just waiting....'
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Post by quadbod on Jun 30, 2015 8:19:30 GMT
The foreman of a road crew employed Paddy to paint the white lines line down the middle of the road.
He told him that he should paint two miles of road in a days work.
After the end of the first day the foreman was really pleased to find that he'd painted four miles of road instead of the two required.
The second day was not so good.... Paddy only completed painting just 2 miles of road. The foreman was a bit disappointed but didn’t complain as this was, after all, only what he’d asked for. On day 3, the foreman was disappointed to find that Paddy had painted only one mile of road, and so asked 'What has happened? On your first day you did four miles of road..... the second day you did two miles and today you've only managed one mile.... What's up?'
And Paddy replied 'Well, oil tell ya what’s up, but I tought a clever bloke loik you woulda been able ta figger it out fer yerself!..... Yer see, every day I gets ferder an’ ferder away from de drum o paint......'
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Post by quadbod on Jul 2, 2015 22:21:46 GMT
Apparently some sick individual has pinched a pair of the ex-wife's knickers off the washing line.
She's not bothered about the knickers she just wants her 22 pegs back
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Post by Joyce on Jul 4, 2015 9:12:23 GMT
IN COURT, COUNSEL SHOULD NEVER ASK A QUESTION IF THEY KNOW THE ANSWER:
The following story bears this out...............
In Court in an Atlanta small-town, prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams, I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
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Post by quadbod on Jul 15, 2015 14:12:29 GMT
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house. The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’ The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous. When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’ The Spaniard replied: 'No......?'
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Post by quadbod on Jul 25, 2015 11:10:03 GMT
Spotted on Faceache Prepare to be confused.....
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Post by quadbod on Aug 22, 2015 20:55:56 GMT
A man runs into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says 'Everyone has 1 minute to get out'......
A tortoise at the back shouts 'You b*****d!!'......
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Post by quadbod on Aug 23, 2015 10:56:24 GMT
How to write good
1. Always Avoid Alliteration.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague – They're old hat.
4. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
5. Be more or less specific.
6. Writers should never generalise
Seven: Be consistent
8. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
9. Who need rhetorical questions?
10. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement
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Post by 4wd on Aug 23, 2015 12:35:06 GMT
The snow had arrived suddenly, with little warning. A police patrol spotted a motorbike stopped in a layby, the rider looked almost like a snowman and was kneeling by the bike trying to get it started. The policemen only knew enough about mechanics to be dangerous, but stopped to assist.
The biker thought the carbs had iced up and some heat might get it to run long enouh to struggle home. "How about if you pee on the carbs?" the cop suggested. The biker replied "It's so cold I just can't reach" Both cops got out and solemnly did the job as the rider looked on. Amazingly it worked, and the bike rider slowly continued home.
Next morning an email arrived at the station. It was from the biker's father. "I am very grateful for your help with my daughters bike"
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