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Post by quadbod on Aug 23, 2015 19:54:57 GMT
A trucker who has been out on the road for a couple of months stops in at a house of 'ill repute' somewhere in Europe.... He walks straight in and places five hundred euro on the counter and says to the madam 'I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich'
The madam is shocked and says 'But Sir, for that sort of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and three course meal....'
The trucker replies 'Listen darlin'.... I'm not horny just homesick.....'
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Post by quadbod on Sept 5, 2015 10:07:47 GMT
My mate said to his wife 'When I die, I would like to die having sex......'
She said 'At least you'd know it would be quick....'
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Post by quadbod on Sept 19, 2015 18:02:18 GMT
Stop Press News.......
The Irish Times........
Cork man drowns
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Post by quadbod on Oct 6, 2015 20:00:33 GMT
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m" He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".
She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. As usual they have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late............"
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Post by quadbod on Oct 15, 2015 10:05:49 GMT
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Post by quadbod on Oct 18, 2015 18:06:10 GMT
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Post by Joyce on Oct 23, 2015 18:07:01 GMT
Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland, comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants." "Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it." About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stair Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?” "Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr MacDonald walked in."
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Post by quadbod on Nov 3, 2015 18:00:04 GMT
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?'
'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
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Post by quadbod on Nov 20, 2015 7:06:18 GMT
These are all genuine answers to Quiz questions
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FAMILY FORTUNES - Les Dennis: Name something people believe in but cannot see.
Contestant: Hitler.
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THE SARA COX SHOW - Sara Cox: What was Bram Stoker's most famous creation?
Contestant: Branston Pickle.
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THE WEAKEST LINK - Anne Robinson: A pain in the muscles or bones of the lower legs, often suffered by sportsmen, is known as shin ....?
Contestant: ...dler's List?
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UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE - Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for "cherrypickers" and Cheesemongers"?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
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ROCK FM - Host: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci
Contestant : Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
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DOG EAT DOG - Ulrika Jonsson: Name the German national airline.
Contestant: The Luftwaffe.
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THE WEAKEST LINK - Anne Robinson: What is the name of the cord cut after a woman gives birth?
Contestant: Biblical cord.
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THE WEAKEST LINK - Anne Robinson: Name a selection of small, highly coloured sweets known as Dolly .... ?
Contestant: Parton.
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BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM QUIZ - Host: Which classical composer became deaf in later life: Ludwig van .....?
Contestant: Van Gogh.
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THE WEAKEST LINK - Anne Robinson: Who is the only Marx brother that remained silent throughout all their films?
Contestant: Karl.
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FAMILY FORTUNES - Les Dennis: Name a famous bridge.
Contestant: The Bridge Over Troubled Waters.
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RADIO HALLAM BREAKFAST SHOW - Host: Of which European country is Lisbon the capital?
Contestant: Australia.
Host: Sorry, that's the wrong answer; we'll go to the next caller.
Contestant 2: I was going to say Australia as well. Is it Gibraltar?
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THE WEAKEST LINK - Anne Robinson: In sport, the name of which famous racehorse was the word 'murder' spelled backwards.
Contestant: Starter gun.
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FAMILY FORTUNES - Les Dennis: Name a domestic animal.
Contestant: Leopard.
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THE WEAKEST LINK - Anne Robinson: Where was the recent Winter Olympics held?
Contestant: Taunton.
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DOG EAT DOG - Ulrika Jonsson: The last thing you take off before going to bed.
Contestant: Your feet.
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STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON - Steve Wright: What is the Italian word for 'motorway'?
Contestant: Expresso.
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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 10 YEAR OLD - Noel Edmonds: Was the Tyrannosaurus Rex a carnivore or a herbivore?
Contestant: No, it was a dinosaur.
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THE VAULT - Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
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THE WEAKEST LINK - Anne Robinson: In science, what is botany the study of?
Contestant: Bottoms.
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SALE OF THE CENTURY - Nicholas Parsons: What is the name of the primitive language used by the Ancient Egyptians and painted on walls?
Contestant: Hydraulics.
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THE WEAKEST LINK - Anne Robinson: In the 1940s, which politician was responsible for the welfare state: William who?
Contestant: The Conqueror.
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STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON - Steve Wright: Who played agent 007 in the 1989 film Licence To Kill?
Contestant: James Bond.
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SALE OF THE CENTURY - Nicholas Parsons: What was Hitler's first name?
Contestant: Heil.
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THE WEAKEST LINK - Anne Robinson: Name the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last of the what?
Contestant: Mohicans.
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Post by quadbod on Dec 13, 2015 19:59:28 GMT
A mates missus crashed her car into some guy this morning. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time.
The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory
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Post by 4wd on Dec 16, 2015 21:14:45 GMT
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE The Bishop was buried the next day.
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Post by quadbod on Dec 23, 2015 15:12:47 GMT
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were busy shopping just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up… "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I'm in the John Deere dealers next door to that."
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Post by 4wd on Jan 17, 2016 20:44:07 GMT
A guy texts his neighbour: Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again.
Bob, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife. Moments later a second text arrives: Darn, that auto spell ! That should be "wifi"...
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Post by quadbod on Jan 22, 2016 17:20:32 GMT
'Government plan to eradicate TB from England'
Jeremy Corbyn has responded by saying he is determined the UK will retain its 26 letter alphabet.
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Post by quadbod on Feb 22, 2016 11:53:36 GMT
My better half invited me round for a meal the other evening.
I arrived, went in and said 'Are we having salad for dinner?'
'Yes, we are' she said 'How did you know?'
'Well..... I couldn't hear the smoke alarm.....'
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