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Post by stockslave on Sept 30, 2010 19:00:48 GMT
;D ;D
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2010 19:11:57 GMT
hehehe!!!
NB: not shesheshe
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2010 9:35:17 GMT
MY LIVING WILL Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. They are SO on my sh1t list! Attachments:
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2010 11:49:55 GMT
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Post by stockslave on Oct 9, 2010 13:53:07 GMT
Filched off WDF ;D Attachments:
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Post by quadbod on Oct 13, 2010 18:19:41 GMT
Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"??
A. About three inches.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2010 18:33:14 GMT
Time to retire Attachments:
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Post by 4wd on Nov 3, 2010 18:53:18 GMT
Does that work then?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2010 18:55:32 GMT
Does that work then? Please let me know though I did come across tippex and carbon paper while sorting out, along with my portable typewriter!
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Post by stockslave on Nov 4, 2010 19:46:36 GMT
Denies Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.
"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, "the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.
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Post by quadbod on Nov 10, 2010 23:20:29 GMT
Bloke in a night club sees a big fat girl at the bar, he walks up to her and asks "Have you got a pen?"
She looks up, smiled and says "Yes"
"Well......................." he says "you'd better f**k off back to it then before the farmer finds you’re missing”
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Post by grawley on Nov 11, 2010 15:12:32 GMT
This rumour has not been verified by snopes ! Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have SEX'. The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening' 'But what about afterward?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that... Ralph was too tired.' ;D ;D ;D ;D God is good
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Post by grawley on Nov 11, 2010 15:16:41 GMT
Swearing
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he Wants for breakfast.
'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops' WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f**king Coco Pops'
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Post by oxenboy on Nov 11, 2010 19:24:27 GMT
;D ;D ;D
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bill
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Post by bill on Nov 13, 2010 15:35:36 GMT
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. 2. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep. 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. 5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*cking thing in the first place, you fat b*stards. 6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimbleful of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. 7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. 8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. 9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. 10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'. 11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at. 12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. 13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. 14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. 15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. 16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. 17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. 18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. 19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. 20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink. 21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc. 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference. 23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. 24. Spice up your s*x life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for. 25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove
the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone. 26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order. 27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets. 29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings. 30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and
parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy. Watch their faces in the morning. 31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
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