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Post by quadbod on Sept 22, 2017 17:59:52 GMT
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A Labracadabrador
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Post by quadbod on Oct 31, 2017 2:14:00 GMT
Yorkshire lad wins lottery. Money to burn he as. So off he guz t local jeweller
'Can tha mek me a solid gold model ome old lurcher, Ripp....? Moneys no object',
'I can' sez jeweller, 'does tha want it eighteen carat?',
'No ya daft old ****** I want it chasing a rabbit......'
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Post by quadbod on Feb 6, 2018 20:10:49 GMT
100 years ago, suffragette Emily Davison died after throwing herselfin front of the kings horse.
History remembers her as being influential giving women the right to vote.
What history doesn’t remember is her husband, who didn’t get his tea that night.
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Post by quadbod on Feb 8, 2018 11:49:45 GMT
In an attempt to try and get fit, I'm currently out and about quite a lot on my bike.
However, this morning I was run off the road by a lorry spreading salt..... 'F*** you' I shouted through gritted teeth.....
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Post by 4wd on Feb 18, 2018 17:34:38 GMT
A farmer drove to a neighbours farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your dad or your mum home?” said the farmer.
“No, they went to town.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No, he went with Mum and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.” said the boy.
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant”.
The boy thought for a moment…
“You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
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Post by quadbod on Feb 19, 2018 14:53:11 GMT
A little boy is sitting on the toilet.
His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. Every 20 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.
His Mum says: ‘Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while…..’
Billy says: ‘I'm fine, Mummy. I just haven't gone yet.’
Mother says: ‘Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes, but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?’
‘Well’ He said ‘It works for ketchup…...’
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Post by quadbod on Feb 20, 2018 16:16:51 GMT
Blimey..... Now I have to answer 'Popmaster' question before my better half will come home from work!!
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Post by quadbod on Feb 28, 2018 19:09:29 GMT
I bought some Armageddon cheese today.
All it said on the packet was...... 'Best Before End'
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Post by quadbod on Mar 2, 2018 12:22:08 GMT
WHERE I HAVE & HAVE NOT BEEN I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have never been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And more and more I think of the Here After.
Several times a day, in fact, I enter a room and think What am I here after?
Sound familiar? Join the Club!
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Post by Joyce on Mar 2, 2018 22:02:17 GMT
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Post by quadbod on Mar 3, 2018 12:46:01 GMT
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Post by Joyce on Mar 3, 2018 22:17:15 GMT
4.16 pm Feb 20th ?refer to 500?
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Post by quadbod on Mar 11, 2018 10:12:36 GMT
4.16 pm Feb 20th ?refer to 500?
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Post by quadbod on Mar 11, 2018 10:15:33 GMT
A little fish was swimming along the river one day when he met a pair of odd looking fish coming the other way.
So he asks 'What type of fish are you?'
One of the pair looks sideways at the other and says...... 'Don't tell him Pike...'
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Post by quadbod on Mar 19, 2018 12:39:33 GMT
The Tom Jones Guide To Genetics
XX = Female XY = Male YYY = Delilah.
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